A good friend recently related what transpired in Rav Kelleman’s Spiritual Physics class. Normally, when I think of having empathy for someone, I’m aiming to feel what life is like in their shoes, to think about how difficult things are for him/her right now in an attempt to bring us closer together. More than sympathy, empathy is experiencing the hardship with that person. It’s a little bit disturbing, but if you think about it you may find that you somewhat enjoy your friend’s suffering. Why? Because it gives us a role to play. They’re hurting, we’re helping. They’re weak, we’re strong. Empathy, though, roots us in the suffering and the hurting more, such that we may not be able to have great advice to give and we may not be able to be the objective “voice of reason.” Having empathy means that we are on the same plane, the same page as our friend.
So what about when our friend is happy. Life is wonderful and they can’t complain! Why does this make us (at least) suspicious and (at most) jealous?! Well, at first thought it seems like there is no role for us to play in their life. They don’t seem to need support or attention. That’s the trick though...they do, and they need it just as much (if not more than) the friend who’s hurting.
At Jewish weddings it is a Mitzvah to make the bride and groom happy, to make them smile. Simcha (vibrant happiness) isn’t something that we can always generate by ourselves. More often than not we need to be awakened to that state, to be reminded of the joy lying deep within us. Like a belly laugh that bubbles to the surface, the connection we have to G-d lies hidden beneath layers of emotional muckiness just waiting to be enticed out of the mire. A smile is contagious. When we smile the world really can smile with you. How? Empathy.
“See, I present before you a blessing and a curse. The blessing that you listen to the commandments of Hashem...And the curse: if you do not listen...” (Deut. 11:26-28) We are blessed every day to live in a world where we have the chance to thrive under G-d’s blessings. There is no specified punishment if we don’t choose such a path for ourselves. The “curse” is simply that we don’t listen, we won’t hear the beauty of the Torah...we’ll miss out. But why the mention of Seeing and Hearing? Sight is the first contact we make with another in the world. On a clear day (hard to find in smoggy LA) I can SEE someone from hundreds of feet away. But it’s not until I’m much closer that I can actually hear him/her. Hearing is the only way to approach another’s essence.
See it there before you. Find a way to open yourself to the experience of the sweet soul that is your friend, your uncle, your co-worker. Everyone needs to be truly HEARD, to be understood, even at their finest hour, even when they are feeling connected. May we all bless each other by seeing our brother’s happiness and by seeking out bridges to hear the laugh bursting forth behind our sister’s smile.